Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
