we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
