My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
