if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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