Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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