Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
