We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
