you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
