I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
