who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
