look no pants
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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