we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I could make wine with my vomit
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
