i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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