I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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