oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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