I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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