vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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