Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
