Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
