Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
