if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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