seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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