I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
