We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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