I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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