Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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