I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Randomize
