just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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