I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
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Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
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Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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