I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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