We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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