Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
