): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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