Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
