I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This baby is an asshole
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
