im gay
i know
yea but for you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
