my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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