My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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