i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
