i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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