Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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