The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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