I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.