I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.