dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.