i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!