Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
