Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
