So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
