I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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