i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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