Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
