No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
